December of Blunder

It was supposed to read “December of Wonder”- or “Wonderful December”

My original idea was to approach December with fresh eyes, the kind of eyes that would each day of the month behold one of life’s amazing little wonders. You know, like when you find $5 in some errant pocket or someone holds the door for you, or you hold the door for someone…maybe even give away that long-lost $5 to someone who could use it more than you could, and then they unexpectedly enjoy a warm meal or now have enough cash to score a room somewhere for the night.

I wanted to turn up my sense of childlike wonder. To stir up the kind of appreciation that arises when you tune in to the majestic side of life and your heart just SINGS because you cannot contain your amazement. All it looks like from the outside is your lips curling into a smile, but on the inside- full blown flash mob. !!!

This endeavor would also make for a convenient excuse to resume blogging more often.

It hasn’t really happened that way though. I breezed through Thanksgiving, which I can definitely count as a blessing. I received some good news about two weeks ago, and this provided some form of relief. Then right at the start of the month I got sick. And if I was lucky during those first few days, I wasn’t seeing much of anything except for extra time dreaming in bed while my body was all ninja-fighting germs inside.

And the days just keep flying by…

[Enter scene] Then grinch who avoided Christmas. Who? Oh, that would be me.

I am not among the masses singing joy to the world, giddily skipping down the street carrying bag fulls of Christmas gifts. No. I am the chick who is trying to dodge people amidst the shopping throngs, desperately fighting the urge to throw ‘bows.

I am the person who sees each person holding a sign, begging for money or food or at least acknowledgement on my way home from work while everyone just goes about their day, never breaking stride. Never looking down or to the side, never noticing anyone else. Then suddenly my heart sinks, because I find myself a part of the problem too, busy and unable to change all these situations. Or worse, because sometimes I don’t help even one of the situations.

Sometimes I can’t. But sometimes I can. And I can’t help but wonder, do any of these strangers I see feel loved? Not just the brokenhearted homeless, but also the brokenhearted apathetic.

With those thoughts and the like, I have a hard time understanding or discovering joy. I understand pain, instead. Because that makes more sense to me in the face of so much heaviness.

And for tonight, my thoughts seem to stop here as well. To be continued….